# demi.sh

The uncertainty of my future is one of the things that pushes me forward to keep experimenting with new things and evolve further, both intellectually and psychologically, as both dimensions are concomitant and develop in tandem. My past no longer defines me at all, there is no reason to cling to it other than the fact that it led to the person who I am today. I still struggle to express my emotions and thoughts. I'm not by any means any different to any other alexithymic autist when it comes to this.

Although we, as human beings, often find ourselves distracted from the meaningful aspects and ruminations of life. Such bliss, as comforting as it may be, could prove to be a neglectful failure in the end. Modern life is so busy that it keeps you from deeper thinking and this kind of self-assessment.

Then you may find yourself in a dilemma: do we choose to ruminate and make time for personal evolution, or do we allow life’s events to unfold naturally, experimenting with the world while remaining blissfully unaware of their deeper significance?

I'd say this is paradoxical in today's context. In the former scenario, if you spend all time required for yourself, you won't fulfill your role in society as intended, as such devotion may risk the disconnection from the world around us. But hold on, if you're not at the top of your game mentally and critically, how the fuck are you supposed to the best professional and social version of yourself either? In the latter scenario, such progress might be deemed inefficient or virtually stagnated, apart from the fact that we are so caught up in doing that we miss the meaning behind our experiences and our ability to reflect. You are now a half-assed productivity machine with ancillary lumps of flesh, lacking the capacity to absorb and integrate the wonders of life and the intermittent, scattered lessons it teaches us. What really defines your existence if not your reasoning and processing capabilities? Society demands our best, fully-developed selves while simultaneously depriving us of the very conditions necessary for meaningful development.

In fact, this paradox, starting from very extreme and mutually exclusive scenarios, is just a form of critique of how society views self-development and productivity and how we can reconcile our actual needs and *their* musts forcefully imposed on us.